Photo: Jo Naylor
Every once in a while there is a moment of complete peacefulness. This doesn’t happen often, just when I am able to come to terms with life and its eternal meaninglessness. These moments are fleeting, they come without warning and flee too soon, leaving behind the slightest feeling of calm and the horrendous knowledge that my world is chaos and all I can do is hold back the flood for as long as I can so that others can feel the calm. I love listening to storms when I am inside, safe, but I know that I am just hiding from reality and am a fool for thinking that I could ever be safe. I dream of a future where my only responsibilities are to take care of myself and my family, peacefully tucked away in the mountains, tending our garden and taking care of the animals and teaching my children about the beauty of the world and how they can overcome the misery. I realize that my dream is just a dream and I will never be able to live a life without chaos; I was born into this life and I will fight all the people who oppose me and who chose to destroy my people’s lives and my land.
There is no escape from this life, this I learned when I was a little girl fleeing her home, my father taught me to love my home so that I will never be able to abandon this life and this world. I explored every corner of the city that I could, watched all the transactions and daily activities, I learned how the city runs and how the people live. Then I learned how to watch without being seen, I learned that not everyone is true, I learned that no matter how happy people are there will always be chaos. I learned the symbols and signs of the plotters, I watched them pass notes, I listened to them lie and spread angry rumors. I watched them enter my father’s house, I heard the screams and gunshots, I saw them raise their ugly flags above my father’s house, I watched the house from the car window, I watched the flames reach towards the sky as if they were trying to run away too. After all these years in hiding, preparing for this day, I still do not understand how these people convinced the entire city that they were miserable. I remember seeing happy people everywhere, there were no poor people and everyone had a purpose and a life. After the takeover, the people lost everything that was good about the City and felt a new sensation: misery.
I’m not here for the fight, I’m not here for the power, I am here to get back what we all lost that night; I am here to exterminate the pests that are destroying this beautiful city, I am here to restore as much of the peace as possible in this chaotic world. I am here to hold back the fire for as long as I can, I know that there will always be people throwing fuel on the fire and I know that I will eventually be burned alive and the City will burn as well, but when I hold back the flames the people behind me can go about their lives. Sometimes I wish that I had never been born, but then I remember that I had a happy life before it was torn apart in front of me. I can’t bring back my parents, but I can destroy everyone who ever crossed my family and my city. This will be a long fight, I hope I will be able to see the end of it, but at least I’m not alone; I may have been the one who was forced to flee the City, but he was the one who stood by me as the others left, he gave me my first knife and took every punch I threw at him in my grief. This battle is my redemption, but it is also our rise to power so that we can finally have the opportunity to lead our people and return to our home. This chaos ends today, tomorrow we begin the endless fight to stay in the City, but tomorrow is the first step and our only chance to prove that this is our city and we are the rightful leaders. As for right now, it is time to brave this storm and take control.
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